TW – ED, mental health
I just don’t know how to process this.
About two months ago, I started a new job in a food court and broke up with some toxic friends. Since then, I’ve made lots of friends in my restaurant and the other restaurants. We all go out together, hang out off work, watch Stranger Things, and it’s really great. I’ve also made it a point to reconnect with my old friends and I’ve just been so much happier since.
I’ve had some great opportunities come up for my future career field and my work in that area is finally getting recognised and published.
A customer asked me for my number last night, one of the guys next door told his coworkers/my friends he really likes me and wants to ask me out, and a third new guy in our sister restaurant was flirting heavily with me. I’ve been asked out by someone in my workplace, another one offered me a hookup when I was staying over at his place, and a third one called me drunk and we talked for two hours about how he likes me and I tried telling him to no avail that I have so many issues I shouldn’t be getting involved with anyone right now.
Because TW I have an active ED, and the resources in my country just aren’t there to get professional help without paying for it. It’s impacting me hard, but I am also not ready to accept help and recover at this point. All the attention is also feeding into it, tbh.
I had to let go of my closest friends, and I know from other people they are shit talking me to mutual friends now. I am worried about losing more friends because of this.
I have to move out soon because I had an intense friendship breakup with my flat mate, and I haven’t found a new flat yet.
I have to support myself financially and the situation is not great.
I have family issues and am estranged from all my living family – custody cases, CPS, therapy, it’s resulted in having mommy and daddy issues.
I am on the waiting list for a psychiatrist but at the moment my psychological issues aren’t dealt with and I am ‘raw-dogging’ it. I have episodes, of feeling depressed, feeling hypo-manic, feeling angry, being rude, for no reason. I feel overwhelmed and I can see how I behave, but I can’t change it.
I am not seeing a therapist and cannot talk to anyone on a regular basis.
The one person I like doesn’t like me back and it’s my first heartbreak.
But I am getting all that make attention and make validation.
I wish I could say I hate it, but I don’t. It makes me feel good and desired, even if I don’t like any of these men romantically. I honestly feel really bad for liking the attention.
Because I want love, from the right person, and I wish I had someone who loved me. Romantically. I want someone to care. I want to build something with someone. I want people to stay. With me, for me, with all my issues, but I know if roles were reversed I’d run.
I wish I wasn’t this sick, mentally, but physically I am obsessed that my ED is working, that my control over my body is showing, and that other people are noticing.
And it’s just too much on my plate, and I don’t know how to feel or what to do. If anyone has anything to say, please do. It’s pathetic but I hope anyone has any advice, or kind words.